The Night Before the Surgery: Lost Friendship

In less than 10 hours, I am going under the knife for the second time this year. This time I want this to be my last breathe of air. We live in a cruel, twisted, and broken world full of those with very bad intentions. This world consists of 90 percent of those who want to do harm: whether it is murder, stealing, lies, etc. Each time we turn on the news, its always the same depressing story over and over again as it is overshadowed by death, remorse, and sadness. What about those who do good deeds everyday? Society has forgotten those who have good intentions: those who possess unconditional love and true kindness that seeps through the soul. The ones who extend with open arms their love and kindness are the ones who feel the most pain inside their hearts. Maybe we are not meant to be happy because it is only a temporary feeling. I continue to live among the living, but in the inside I feel numb and dead already. No longer is the pain coming from my physical body, but instead some wounds are too deep to heal within my heart. This pain comes from the constant disappointment and put downs I am getting from everyone. I find myself becoming more and more distant from those who are hurting me by building walls around me. The worst part is the longer I am keeping the pain inside of me, the more it is showing up. I fall too hard, I become too comfortable with certain people and somehow I end up screwing up these relationships by distancing myself further away from them. I have very high expectations for people, if you know me well enough when I say, “I would do anything for you”, I really mean it and I do not like breaking promises. I become very vulnerable up to the point where I am everyone’s doormat and people do step on me. I have expectations in which I want people to help me, the way how I helped them in the past. That’s how I really know these are the individuals who are loyal and possess the ability to return the love and kindness back to me. And off course most people that walk into my life take advantage of my kindness and never return the love back to me…And it hurts me. This is how I lost my friendship with certain people. I look back at old pictures and reminisce about the past memories that makes me think about the good times we once had: graduation, surprise birthday parties, outings at the buffet, long drives at night, free movie Tuesdays, etc. I miss the days when we were young, wild, and drama free without any relationships complicating things. If I had one last chance from God to ask them to forgive me and wipe off that moment I began to back off and ignore those people, I would take it. Maybe I am writing and dedicating this blog entry to my past and current loved ones, and to clarify this these loved ones are the ones who I consider a part of my family. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. Does anyone blame me for having a distorted reality that there is good in every individual in the world?