The Absence of Fear

If everything happens for a reason and God allows bad things to happen to us to make us stronger individuals, then I ask myself why is it always me. I feel as if I am not ready for what is yet to come. I am no longer sugarcoating reality, because this is it. I am not going to live a normal life for a while like everyone around me. This means I am sacrificing long walks in the city, blasting music and long driving, going swimming down the shore , being able to party all night long, being able to walk normally, and most importantly: my independence. An every day task is going to be a struggle for me, I took too many things for granted. Unfortunately, our expectations in our minds do not match reality. The disappointment of not being able to graduate this May, doing an internship throughout the summer, and also enjoying my summer lingers throughout my mind. I want to be able to have that “big”girl full time position in the city already to prove to everyone around me that a bachelor’s degree is worth the time and effort. In the meantime, a sharp needle has been inflicting so much pain into my life since this January. It’s not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. The relationships around me are broken, it’s not just with him but also my parents and friends as I distanced myself. I am shattered and broken into a million pieces as I allowed myself to fall deeper into a dark hole alone. Unfortunately, I have to accept the reality that at any given time our circumstances in life changes drastically within a blink of an eye or in my case one fall. As the clock ticks closer and closer to May 11, 2012, my mind is scattered in many different directions. “Maybe” and “what if” crosses paths within me as I continue to think about what I am giving up for the next few months. Fear is whats engulfing my mind without a doubt in my mind something seriously can go wrong on that day. What if I need to separate myself from the fear that is holding me back? Maybe this accident is my gateway into proving to everyone that I am a strong person, that I can easily rise from the ashes of despair and defeat. I am determined to recovery fully from this and I am ready to put all of the hard work into everything. I am not going to let the fear of suffering to stop myself from living life to the fullest. Less than 22 days from now I will be facing my second surgery this year, I want to enjoy the things I can still do now without the crutches. So here goes nothing… “The thing that scares you the most, that makes you say I don’t know if I can do it, I’m scared”; run towards it because it’s so amazing on the other side.”-Sherri Shepherd